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Thursday, 25 February 2016

Clown dan Dia Si Gadis Unicorn


Me: I keep on listening to this song. On repeat for a few days. It makes me emotional.

Him: Why?

Me: I checked on the lyrics. It is a sad song. People don't care about his (singer) feeling. People don't care about his problem. People don't bother, but yet he needs to pretend to be like what people expect him to be. 

Him: Yeah, poor clown. 

I was frowning. Unsettled. 

Me: No, not just the clown honey. The entertainers. They entertain others. People expect them to be like what they wanted them to be. They like them for an image they have in mind, not for the real individual. A real individual is not perfect. A real person is not always happy. A real person has mistakes. A real person has their own ups and down.  I feel like that too. 

Him: how? (he was serious now)

Me: I'm a novelist. I write about love stories. I always talk about life and God in my books. People think I'm ideal, but I don't. What I wrote might be ideal (even my books weren't ideal, tho), but I am not my books (those books are stories I saw in my mind in written forms). I am me. I have a life, and I grows. I'm still exploring my life. What I believe was true yesterday may have changed now but nonetheless I am always a believer of God who loves God. 

He looked at me. Frowning. 

Him: You can't please everyone. One person might like this version of you, but then another might not like it. Then even if you changed to please another person, you still wouldn't be able to make everyone like you nonetheless. 

I bit my lip. That's true. He was still staring into my eyes. His deep grayish blue eyes. 

Him: How do you know your readers' expectation of you? 

I raised my shoulders, a symbol of not knowing. 

Him: You might be wrong about them and their expectation on you. They might not even bother, Iman. They just want to read your books. And maybe, they like you for however you are. 

At that moment, I feel like I have wronged all my readers for the expectation I have on them while I do not even know them personally or do not even heard it from their mouths. Maafkan saya, kalian.

Him: You are torturing yourself to be an image you think they want you to be. 
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That hits me hard. A moment of truth. It's all in my mind. I knew it. I have a complicated thoughts in my mind. Or maybe I just don't want to be associated with the books' characters or storylines. I want to tell the stories I painted in my mind and with the values I tried to deliver to the readers, I did not intend to portray myself through my novels. The only writing that exposes my true skin is my daily-life blog posts. 

Me: You should look after me, honey. In case. I'm becoming a psychologically disturbed person. A sociopath. (I laughed. Loud. I know I have always thought too much). 

Dia buat muka annoyed. 

I feel like I'm still immature for being like this. Why do I crave acceptance that much? Psychologically, I remembered how I was raised with many siblings (6 of us with a little age gap). My family was poor. Sometimes I lived with my parent, sometimes with my aunt and sometimes with my grandmother. I learned to enjoy being a loner and I learned how to earn love in that highly competitive atmosphere - that is to meet their (my carers) expectations. I realized that had shaped my personality. I have been so stressed off late with things I just learned about life and changes that I'm deciding to make to my life. It is interesting honestly when you realized age is just a number. We do not stop learning at a certain age. We do not stop changing at a certain age. Life is a process. It is not a stage. It is a continuous process. Even once you has become a mom, even we say a mother is always right, the thing is that is not true ( I mean, at this age I thought about children and I realized if I'm about to be a mom I'm exposed to mistake too). Every human being is capable of doing a mistake but what differentiate us is, what do we learn from it and what is our reaction to it? 

Regarding Dia Si Gadis Unicorn, I am going to make it my 3rd novel (by God's will/Inshaa Allah). I have written lots of chapters, re-assembled the story, etc. So sekarang saya confuse nak update macam mana? Just continue or start it all over ikut what I have editted to the soon to be novel? What do you suggest? 

#feelsbetterafterwriting #mytheraphy 

The meaning of the song by Soprano: Clown
http://lyricstranslate.com/en/clown-clown.html-3#ixzz41D00qMOd
I'm sorry that tonight I don't have a smile
I'm playing mime to stay on track, despite the routine
My makeup is running, my tears wash it away
On my face of a clown (my face of a clown)
I know well that you want nothing to do
With my daily problems, my trash, and my fits
I am here to make you forget, you want it to fade away
Tonight you're paying me, I put on my red nose
Lalalalala lalala lala
Lalalalala lalala lala
Lalalalala lalala lala
Lalalalala lalala lala
I'm sorry children if tonight I'm not funny
But this colored costume makes me ridiculous and I'm stuck with it
I hide behind this angelic smile for a while
I don't know how to get rid of it, but who am I really?
I've lost my way, have you seen my distress?
I'm like a dog who tries to bite at his leash
But tonight the room is full, you want it all to fade away
So I wash away my pains, and put on my red nose
Lalalalala lalala lala
Lalalalala lalala lala
Lalalalala lalala lala
Lalalalala lalala lala
Am I alone in wearing this mask?
Am I the only one pretending?
This disguise that we put on every day
Tell me is it for the best?
Or has it been to much for us?
I'm sorry that tonight I don't have a smile
My makeup is running, my tears wash it away
On my face of a clown (my face of a clown)








21 comments:

  1. Stick with what u have planned sis Iman, whatever u think is better. As a reader of ur books, we do put an expectation on u. But me myself, I love it more when the writers express themselves as their truly self, u know just being u, don't really care what people expect as long as u're doing what u think is right. So that ur writing is more sincere. Well, just a mere opinion. And ya, Dia Si Gadis Unicorn baru 3 chaps. I think it's fine to start it all over again. ^_^

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    1. thanks stefa, thats really comforting and helpful to know your opinion :) i figured out that you also writing stories. That is cool! Keep it up :D

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  2. well, a reply from u surely gonna keep me going. thanks a lot n u're welcome. :D

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  3. excited nak follow ur 3rd novel. 1st and 2nd novel i tak follow dari mula(blog). pada saya, belum terlambat untuk mula dari awal. nak sambung terus juga tak salah, biar lebih menarik bila novel ada ditangan. just buat apa yang you rasa terbaik :) -wan shafikah

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    1. Okay that's very helpful ! :D betul juga, kalau versi novel lagi menarik that is better isnt it?... good idea.

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    2. yes. its better. keseluruhan cerita bergantung pada novel. bukan blog. tak perlu delete or edit semula pada saya.

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  4. all da best kak iman, just be yourself and believe in the beauty of your dreams, fikir apa Allah kata, ignore apa yang org kata, love from Jordan

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    1. inshaa Allah all the best for you Puteri!

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  5. just be you! Don't care about what people say..only Allah knows what is the best for you kak iman. tak sabar nak tunggu your next novel. Zati lebih prefer versi novel dari baca kat belog. Tak dan masa gak. Kalau novel, baca time lapang terus boleh habis. Tapi ape2 pun, ikut atas keselesaan kak Iman. Will always support you. :)

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  6. K.iman I really really adore with ur novels!! Or I would rather say ur writing.. The first time I read the wedding breaker I know that you're a high level thinking and high educated person. I wish I could meet u someday inshaAllah...

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  7. Just be yourself. who you are and what you want to be. you can't please everyone and you can't stop people from love you the way you are or hate you for the same reason. cheer up!
    xoxo.

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  8. Salam Dr Iman
    Ramai mengatakan just be yorself. Tak salah. Tapi ia sangat merbahaya. Apakah akan terjadi ourself now telah tersimpang dari matlamat asal. Adakah kita akan terus be ourself tanpa menilai kembali jalan yg sedang kita lalui. Semua berubah atau improve tp perubahan atau peningkatan ke arah yg lebih baik atau sebaliknya. Yg sangat ditakuti adalah perubahan yg telah tersasar tp tersembunyi disebalik yg nampaknya masih baik. Maksud saya adalah bilakah kali kita menilai perjalanan kita samada masih dijalan yg sepatutnya atau sebaliknya. Nilaikan kehidupan dari kacamata islam yg sebenar bukan hanya dr kacamata duniawi sahaja.

    K.fnd

    P/s: message received. Loud n clear

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  10. your 'wedding breaker' brought me to your blog. it brought me to tears everytime the MCs talk about Islam. overall, it's a great slice of life + romantic novel. anyway, i pray your new novel will be a successful one, don't get too stressed up :)

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  11. Perkenalkan, saya dari tim kumpulbagi. Saya ingin tau, apakah kiranya anda berencana untuk mengoleksi files menggunakan hosting yang baru?
    Jika ya, silahkan kunjungi website kami http://kbagi.com/ atau www.facebook.com/kumpulbagi/ untuk info selengkapnya.

    Di sana anda bisa dengan bebas share dan mendowload foto-foto keluarga dan trip, music, video, filem dll dalam jumlah dan waktu yang tidak terbatas, setelah registrasi terlebih dahulu. Gratis :)

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  12. I am 41 and from kelantan too hehee..stop reading novels for ages but when I found ur TWB..awesome! love it! that's bring me here! from the beginning I read TWB I knew the writer must be well educated and it's true. that makes me admire u more.
    keep it up my little sis & all the best in ur study!

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  13. I am 41 and from kelantan too hehee..stop reading novels for ages but when I found ur TWB..awesome! love it! that's bring me here! from the beginning I read TWB I knew the writer must be well educated and it's true. that makes me admire u more.
    keep it up my little sis & all the best in ur study!

    ReplyDelete