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Thursday, 25 February 2016

Clown dan Dia Si Gadis Unicorn

Me: I keep on listening to this song. On repeat for a few days. It makes me emotional.

Him: Why?

Me: I checked on the lyrics. It is a sad song. People don't care about his (singer) feeling. People don't care about his problem. People don't bother, but yet he needs to pretend to be like what people expect him to be. 

Him: Yeah, poor clown. 

I was frowning. Unsettled. 

Me: No, not just the clown honey. The entertainers. They entertain others. People expect them to be like what they wanted them to be. They like them for an image they have in mind, not for the real individual. A real individual is not perfect. A real person is not always happy. A real person has mistakes. A real person has their own ups and down.  I feel like that too. 

Him: how? (he was serious now)

Me: I'm a novelist. I write about love stories. I always talk about life and God in my books. People think I'm ideal, but I don't. What I wrote might be ideal (even my books weren't ideal, tho), but I am not my books (those books are stories I saw in my mind in written forms). I am me. I have a life, and I grows. I'm still exploring my life. What I believe was true yesterday may have changed now but nonetheless I am always a believer of God who loves God. 

He looked at me. Frowning. 

Him: You can't please everyone. One person might like this version of you, but then another might not like it. Then even if you changed to please another person, you still wouldn't be able to make everyone like you nonetheless. 

I bit my lip. That's true. He was still staring into my eyes. His deep grayish blue eyes. 

Him: How do you know your readers' expectation of you? 

I raised my shoulders, a symbol of not knowing. 

Him: You might be wrong about them and their expectation on you. They might not even bother, Iman. They just want to read your books. And maybe, they like you for however you are. 

At that moment, I feel like I have wronged all my readers for the expectation I have on them while I do not even know them personally or do not even heard it from their mouths. Maafkan saya, kalian.

Him: You are torturing yourself to be an image you think they want you to be. 

That hits me hard. A moment of truth. It's all in my mind. I knew it. I have a complicated thoughts in my mind. Or maybe I just don't want to be associated with the books' characters or storylines. I want to tell the stories I painted in my mind and with the values I tried to deliver to the readers, I did not intend to portray myself through my novels. The only writing that exposes my true skin is my daily-life blog posts. 

Me: You should look after me, honey. In case. I'm becoming a psychologically disturbed person. A sociopath. (I laughed. Loud. I know I have always thought too much). 

Dia buat muka annoyed. 

I feel like I'm still immature for being like this. Why do I crave acceptance that much? Psychologically, I remembered how I was raised with many siblings (6 of us with a little age gap). My family was poor. Sometimes I lived with my parent, sometimes with my aunt and sometimes with my grandmother. I learned to enjoy being a loner and I learned how to earn love in that highly competitive atmosphere - that is to meet their (my carers) expectations. I realized that had shaped my personality. I have been so stressed off late with things I just learned about life and changes that I'm deciding to make to my life. It is interesting honestly when you realized age is just a number. We do not stop learning at a certain age. We do not stop changing at a certain age. Life is a process. It is not a stage. It is a continuous process. Even once you has become a mom, even we say a mother is always right, the thing is that is not true ( I mean, at this age I thought about children and I realized if I'm about to be a mom I'm exposed to mistake too). Every human being is capable of doing a mistake but what differentiate us is, what do we learn from it and what is our reaction to it? 

Regarding Dia Si Gadis Unicorn, I am going to make it my 3rd novel (by God's will/Inshaa Allah). I have written lots of chapters, re-assembled the story, etc. So sekarang saya confuse nak update macam mana? Just continue or start it all over ikut what I have editted to the soon to be novel? What do you suggest? 

#feelsbetterafterwriting #mytheraphy 

The meaning of the song by Soprano: Clown
I'm sorry that tonight I don't have a smile
I'm playing mime to stay on track, despite the routine
My makeup is running, my tears wash it away
On my face of a clown (my face of a clown)
I know well that you want nothing to do
With my daily problems, my trash, and my fits
I am here to make you forget, you want it to fade away
Tonight you're paying me, I put on my red nose
Lalalalala lalala lala
Lalalalala lalala lala
Lalalalala lalala lala
Lalalalala lalala lala
I'm sorry children if tonight I'm not funny
But this colored costume makes me ridiculous and I'm stuck with it
I hide behind this angelic smile for a while
I don't know how to get rid of it, but who am I really?
I've lost my way, have you seen my distress?
I'm like a dog who tries to bite at his leash
But tonight the room is full, you want it all to fade away
So I wash away my pains, and put on my red nose
Lalalalala lalala lala
Lalalalala lalala lala
Lalalalala lalala lala
Lalalalala lalala lala
Am I alone in wearing this mask?
Am I the only one pretending?
This disguise that we put on every day
Tell me is it for the best?
Or has it been to much for us?
I'm sorry that tonight I don't have a smile
My makeup is running, my tears wash it away
On my face of a clown (my face of a clown)

Thursday, 4 February 2016


how did I start blogging?

Writing has been very synonyms with me. It is like a soothing tool for my soul. I don't know why but the best logic I could come out is; it relates to the way my brain works. It is bursting with lots of thoughts, questions,  and ideas. I need to capture them in words, as I am writing, I could better reason with them and come out with a conclusion. Most of the time that is how it works. While writing a non-fiction like love stories are my escapism to another world - my mind. The place that all my facts and thoughts reside. Never once I ever imagined that novelist is part of my career. Never. However, it is not bad at all. I started with, and everything else is a history.

Being a researcher - science stream person, I mainly use my left brain (find out which brain you are more dominant here: Analytical. Logic. Thinker. All those, at one point, make me a bitter person (added up to my personality as an INTJ - find out your personality types here It makes thing worst. Then I know, I always crave for a balance. That's how writing, as a form of art, helps me do that besides another form of art such as photography and drawing.

As my Ph.D. almost reach it ends, I started to ponder on, what's next? Alhamdulillah my experimental work finished Oct last year. I had a month holiday, then working on my thesis and scientific journals publication (and novel writing) since then. Please pray that everything will go well :)

I think it is true that when you grow up, the definition of life become more extinct. What you want to do in life is no longer centered on careers, cars, money, etc. You started to re-evaluate how your career influence your lifestyle? You began to realise, it is not about money, but indeed, money is part of the essential to live. However, it is so hard to find a way that gives you an abundance of wealth, supplies you with freedom of time, of opinion and at the same time give you security and pure satisfaction.

I came across a talk (video here) given by a genius kid Jacob Bernett. He said 'forget what you know, stop learning, but start thinking. Questions things as if you know nothing before. Then try to solve it with your term, not by the terms, angle and perspective you learned from others before. That is how Einstein, Newton and himself came out with new scientific theories.' That is how novelty was born!

I bet the same method can be applied to my life. To take a gap to see this world with my perspective.

When I went on a ski trip in the French Alps, Samoens, I met a Welsh guy and an English girl who work as a driver. They picked me up from the airport/hotel to the airport/hotel. We had a chat (my James had a chat, but I was listening while sleeping), both of them have a degree from the University. He graduated in Geology while she graduated in English Literature. It is interesting how they live their life. Very much like a nomad. She works in New Zealand in Summer (so she and her boyfriend/partner can enjoy surfing while working as a teacher) and works in ski resorts around Europe (so she and her boyfriend/partner can enjoy skiing while working as a driver). They have been living like that for almost 10 years, and they find it satisfying. The Westen live their life in different ways.

I often heard this phrase: have a dream that scares you and excites you at the same time because it is going to be big.

So I told James about my dream, I was at first quite scared if he might reject the idea or think that it is a nonsense. I had always wanted to travel the world while writing (or at least, a few months of travelling as a gap time to figure out what do I want to do next). He is well travelled. He used to live in Spain for a year, travelled to Morocco for a month (when he was 17), he worked in Equador for 2 years, lived in Thailand for 3 months and worked in South Korea for 2 years. I thought, travelling is no longer appealing to him, but to my surprise, we share the same dream, and he is supporting my wishes. I had always come across people who will tell me to follow the norm (such as, as a P.h.D holder it is best to work as a lecturer or in the academic field) but the thing is, I am not the type of person who follows others' path. I am a well stubborn creature who like to explore and very thirsty to know things. If he got a good offer to sell his business, then our dream are close to reality. amen.

Sometimes we think our dream is ridiculous, but hey, someone else might be in the same boat with you! And I'm glad God has arranged us to meet. The best gift in life is a companion who support and understand us.

He keeps on checking on my novel writing too. Encouraging me to keep on writing. I am writing one and inshaa Allah it will come soon (sedang mengejar deadline). Previously when I heard from my supervisors that they won't have time to read my thesis until mid-May (yes, they are super busy with research collaborations, teaching and other research work), I was quite upset since I want to finish it quickly, but now I see that God has arranged it that way for my good. It gives me more time to write some more scientific journals (which is very important to strengthen the thesis), write a novel after 2 years and 6 moths not coming out with any and explore other interest. Truly, again and again, I saw how God's plan are always the best. So not taking things negatively whenever my plan didn't work as I expected it, typically came out with a better outcome.

Most of the time, we regret on things we didn't do and chances we didn't take as we all know if we make a mistake, it is mean to teach us a lesson in life that will be useful for our future.

Do you have a dream that you are scared to achieve too? Or is it only me? lol

Evelyn Rose - Miss Iman xx